A Food Fantasy: Aether by Procter and Gamble

Philosophers, physicists, and culinary adventurers have been seeking the secret “fifth element”: aether. Now, thanks to Procter and Gamble-makers of everything you didn’t know you needed, you can add that extra little bit of metaphysical zing to your favorite breakfast, lunch, or dinner treat with canned aether!

But why aether and why now?

While leading scientists are still skeptical of the existence of aether, an all-naturally occurring substance that according to Aristotle, an expert in the field, permeates all things, culinary technicians have been taking advantage of its airy consistency and light taste for years. Long prized by great chefs, aether was too expensive and too difficult to trap for use in home kitchens. But not anymore! Now, thanks to Procter and Gamble technical advances, you can incorporate aether into meals in your own home! The secret is in our new aether capturing cans. Pop the tops off of these soda-can like devices and you will feel a whoosh of delicate energized aether molecules shoot into your dish. Open up a can into your favorite marinade for a bit of ethereal zing, or pour it over a salad instead of dressing and watch as your kids line up for seconds and thirds of the leafy stuff. You can even drink aether straight from the can!

It is fair to say that we live in a health conscious world. With diabetes and other food-related health complications on the rise, people are looking for any means to “trim the fat” out of their diets. Here again aether shows its versatility and promise as the culinary panacea of the future. Aether has all the same tastes and qualities of normal air, but without any of the guilt! Aether has naturally zero calories, zero grams of fat, and zero nutritional values. Aether has the same light flavor and vapid consistency as air but also includes a small amount of ethereal goodness that no packaged or non-packaged air can match.
You might be asking yourself why you should purchase aether from the grocery store instead of using free air from around your own home. The fact is, loose air picks up pollutants and circulates them all throughout your house. By the time that air reaches your food it has picked up unpleasant bits from all over. While you can’t see these particles, and you may not even be able to taste them either, our world renowned team of Procter and Gamble scientists and philosophers insist that the similar particles in aether are purer and necessary in order to conduct light and concoct great flavor in the kitchen. With such a bevy of scientific research into the health benefits and culinary advantages to using aether over traditional air, it is easy to see why so many people all around the world are making the switch to using aether everywhere from restaurants to home kitchens.

We wish we could share with you the secret to the aether production and bottling process, but these are strictly guarded company secrets. What we can tell you is that starting just in time for the holiday season; you can have your own aether-laden holiday straight from the grocery store. Every element of the holiday feast can be improved by adding aether from Procter and Gamble. Rather than using a traditional turkey stuffing for your holiday meal, open a can of aether instead of a beer and lodge that into the bird before cooking. Rather than coming out of the oven drunk and disorderly, your bird will exit the oven wiser and prepared to debate and delight dinner table guests with it’s understanding of the mysteries of the universe. If only people could stop from eating it long enough! The great tasting benefits of aether extend beyond the bird at the center of the table. Using the drippings from the turkey mixed with another can of aether from the fridge, you can make luxurious and metaphysically thick gravy to accompany all of your favorite sides. Holiday baking can also be dramatically improved by adding aether to your pie crusts and fillings. Aether pie crusts have the same airiness in traditional pie crusts, but they are so light that they seem almost unreal. That “beyond this world” lightness can be captured in whip creams, meringues, and zabagliones as well. Anywhere you might traditionally use air in your cooking try substituting aether and you will be very impressed with the results.

We are so sure that you will be impressed with canned aether that we are willing to let you try it risk free in your own cooking. If you call the toll free number on this advertisement our friendly and helpful staff will mail you coupons to pick up a free can of aether at your nearest supermarket. If you are at all dissatisfied with your aether, we will buy you your regular air free of charge! With so much opportunity and so little risk, why not try aether for your next luncheon with the girls, or family dinner, or philosophical musing in your favorite armchair. Let the light consistency and taste-so-empty that it must be good for you, dazzle your palate and delight friends and family alike. The mysterious fifth element that flummoxed physicists and occupied the dreams of philosophers can now be yours in the kitchen. Bring home the flavor of the heavens, aether from Procter and Gamble.

Aether-Infused Whipped Cream
1 Pint whipping cream
1 Can of Aether by Procter and Gamble
1 Whole nutmeg
1 Teaspoon of vanilla extract

Pour cream into a large mixing bowl. In one motion, open the can of Aether by Procter and Gamble and pour it into the bowl while beating vigorously with a whisk. (Even though the can may appear to be empty, continue to pour its contents out while beating.) When the cream is thickening, add the vanilla extract and continue to beat in the aether. When the cream creates stiff peaks on the end of the whisk it is sufficiently beaten. Grate a small amount of nutmeg over the top of the cream and serve with your favorite pie with aether crust or over an aether fruit compote. The opportunities are endless with Aether by Procter and Gamble.